You could be happy, I wont know.

The more time that passes by, the easier it is to see how damaging old behaviors were and the impact of my then life.  Time can heal old wounds but it can also enlighten ones self awareness.  Lately I feel old patterns creeping up.  I feel old emotions bubbling to the surface. None of which are really in a positive direction. I cant force the anger and bitterness down with food.  That's my first inclination.  But really what does tat do?  Nothing at all. It makes for some serious self loathing and criticism. I do not use a kinder gentler voice with myself when this happens.  Only the negative show up. It's awfully hard to live with myself in that moment. 

I think that we all go through life looking for some sense of approval. Whether it's something as simple as outward appearance, social acceptance, moral approval. When that approval is not felt in any ounce of my being, it's a horrible. I feel like I'm falling and things are all over the place.  I don't know where to focus.  I don't know how to start to pick up the pieces. I kind of feel lost and very alone.

This is the day the lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad.

There are days that no matter what happens you know you gave it your best try. There are days that no matter what you feel behind the eightball. There are days when you feel lighter then air and faster then lightening.  The same can be said for days in which you feel so absolutely rooted that no matter how hard you try, its impossible to move anywhere. That's life.  That's the good, the bad, the crazy, the happy, the fast, the slow, the elation and the defeat. It's life. Sometimes we get stuck in rough patches. That's okay! As long as we know its only a patch and not a permanent way of life.  Today I'm running late for work but I'm not going to let that one detail dictate my day. It's a tiny rough patch in an already good day.  I'm not.overly religious however today I feel enlightenment from deep with in. Things are really going to be okay. Better yet, they ARE okay.

Go live your life... It's the only one you have.

Pressure pushing down on me...

Life on the outside looks pretty damn good. Sitting from where I stand... I feel nothing but pressure. LOTS of pressure. It's almost debilitating at times. How do I wave the white flag and let the people around me know how much their expectations, and praise for that matter only add to the weight on my shoulders? 

It's easy to be positive at times. It's easy to smile and put on the front that everything is FABULOUS. But on the inside I feel a growing heaviness.  I feel a tension arise in my body.  Fatigue and melancholy are becoming more and more the norm.  I don't want to socialize. I don't feel a sense of worth.  Anxiety keeps me up at night. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING. I don't feel very positive.

I am having a moment, or two or seven, eight, nine, ten.... But from the outside no one can really tell. Now how do I overcome all of this?  I guess the normal, diet, sleep exercise balance works.  Maybe even talking constructively with a few good sound boarding people.  But who wants to hear me say - "I feel nothing about myself. I feel numb.  I feel unworthy."  It is not a cry for adoration or praise.  It's honestly how I feel.  I feel like the moment I let it out that I am in such a state, I have let my guard down and they can see how truly broken I am these days.  I really am broken. 

I miss being in love. I miss being happy with someone.  I miss just being part of something other then alone. I miss the old me. My insecurities have gotten the best of me these days. I feel like the nerdiest dumb girl that no one in their right mind would want to date. I'm not glamorous or sexy or sophisticated.  I'm awkward and silly at best.  I dare not even mention how I feel about this mess of a body I deal with right now.

I want to feel alive! I want to know that the day that I have no matter how positive it may seem to others fulfills my heart and soul. I want to know that my days are filled with passion and drive to be the best version of me FOR me. I really need to be positive for myself....

Lights, Cameras, ACTION.... Now live your life.

Have you ever thought about your life as a movie?  How about a sitcom?

Sometimes I honestly live a SATC life without even knowing it just without all the heels.  Sometimes it's a HIMYM  moment with an old group of friends. In the past I wanted to live the life of Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally. For a little while I wanted to be Amanda Peet in A Lot Like Love.  I mean seriously if you had Ashton Kutcher chasing after you like that in that genuine simple way, you'd want to live in that life too.  I have to say more then anything I had Love Actually moments that I longed for during the holidays. They are all symptomatic to the basic chick flick formula. People meet, there is a small conflict and then bam it works itself out with a great sentimental soundtrack and a moment of clarity and kissing at the end. Notice I did not say I wanted to live the love of The English Patient.  That would be just absolute torture.

There are moments in life when one has to slow down and think about the big pictures.  Yes I said pictures.  Life can compartmentalize into several different bigger pictures - love, work, family, the future, the past.  Sometimes it's hard to think about one without my mind drifting towards another in a delicately woven pattern. I guess that is how the whole thought process about staring in my favorite movie of the moment comes into play. As I walk through life, I have these moments that are straight out of something I could have only imagined seeing in a movie. I have my specific soundtrack.  I have the wardrobe that is quintessentially me.  I have the scenery and locations that paint that bigger picture. I have entertainment, heartache and triumph.

I know the spot on the street that will forever be known as the spot where I got dumped.  I specifically remember the chill in the air as the rain switched to snow and the breath was taken out of my lungs as he said it's over. I recall the corner under the trees where I attempted to walk away because of an unimportant argument, and a different guy grabbed my arm only to hold me in his arms and kiss me as if it were straight out of a movie. I have a special bench in the park where it all started on a first date with coffee only to have visited it two years later for my very first kiss with that same person. Those are the public places, but sometimes it is the private spaces that make things a little worse only because you cant escape the memories.  I think that the worst is laying in a bed with sheets that smell like us. Or thinking about the last time I saw his face in my house, smiling, laughing, just being. Adele made millions off of this stuff. Hollywood has got NOTHING on my own personal movie. Heartache and happiness mix in a delicate balance that is unique to me and only me.

Thinking about all of it, I cherish every stinking moment that I had good and bad.  I cherish all the choices I made and the people who made them with me. They were all growing moments.  I sure hope that I have many more in the future because it means I lived a full life. I enjoyed myself.  I was open and vulnerable and raw and it either worked or it didn't.  But I still lived through it all.

Cha, Cha, Changes...

Change is inevitable.

Fear is ever present when things are unknown. Sometimes we don't give ourselves  the opportunities to change in a more fruitful way or allow them to present themselves out of fear of the unknown.  I ask myself why do I hide behind the fear of the unknown instead of embracing it with the biggest heartfelt hug. 
I have no idea what's on my horizon. That's okay. Whatever idea, person, situation, that shows up will be welcomed with open arms. Who knows that kind of impact it may have on my bigger picture. 

I've gone from scared to actually pretty excited.

Where do I go from here?

Simply put, I miss you.

I miss the happier version of me with you.

I miss sound of your voice.

I miss the heaviness of your embrace as you leaned in to put your arms around me.

I miss you stroking my hair in the car while I drove.

I miss your hearty laugh.

I miss your smile.

I miss the twinkle in your eye when I caught you looking at me with a smile on your face.

Today as I drove by your street I desperately missed our moments. I desperately wanted you to comfort me after everything I encountered. I wanted to finally be vulnerable with you being the person to allow me to be unapologetically raw and make me feel better. I ended all contact with you in my everyday life for fear of continually being hurt by what has become very toxic.  One can not walk away without any regret and or sadness after all the time we spent together.  Today was just one of those days.  It will pass and I will move forward.  It was for the best that we examine how to get back to better places without the influence of one another. I understand that fully now.  I hope that you understand it as well.

Simply put - You found someone else.

They probably bring out a better version of you then I.

They probably revel in the sound of your voice.

You are wrapping your arms around them.

You will show them some sort of affection that you couldn't for me.

Your laugh will make them smile from their heart.

Your smile will make them happy to see your face.

You will have the twinkle in your eye when you look at them.

Simply put - I should just stop thinking about you. 



 

Sometimes there just aren't any words to make anything any better

I want to say so many things. But where to begin?  How do I express it in a constructive manner without sounding jaded.

There is an ebb and flow to life.  You can have the best day in the world and the worst night all in the same 24 hours.  I walked through the last few days quietly with the thought that my future is a complete blank.  I no longer have any idea as to who is going to be there for me, with me or next to me.  It's a mind numbingly sad feeling. 

I have a choice as to how to handle this feeling.  I have choices on how I allow people to treat me.  I have the choice as to how I am going to let the past few days impact the next few and so on and so forth.  I have the sad songs that have gotten me through long walks.  I have a dog that trys to snuggle with me unconditionally.  She sees my sadness.  I have the tools I need to figure out where things went wrong and use it all as a life lesson. 

I am not perfect. I am not always right.  I am not always wrong.  I am a person who has made bad choices just as much as good choices.  I am my own worst hurdle.  What makes me so sad is that I want the other person in this moment to come back and say I understand it.  I understand that I hurt you.  I understand that things can't be the same.  I understand that you need space.  I understand that we cant fix this back to perfect but I will show you I want to fix it.  I understand that I, too, am also responsible for this situation. 

Today my heart is completely broken because I actually thought I had found something really special.  Broken hearts are a way of life.  This does not mean I wont ever get my heart broken again.  It will happen. And you know what?  That's okay.  Because it means that I still have the capacity to love with all of my heart. That, to me, is so very important.

When you can't break through with the one that you want....

We all have choices. Every day we walk through a series of mindless choices. Hit the snooze, wash my face, brush my teeth... All choices. It just so happens that since we establish routines the choices are automatic without thought as to the consequences of choosing differently. 
I have been thinking a lot about choices this past week. I worry about the consequences as a result of a lot of the choices I face everyday. I worry about things I have no control over.  In particular, I worry about people who simply are complicated and full of their own choices and their impact on my life and vice versa. 
Maybe it goes back to the realm of kindergarten. Who really wanted to be chosen last for gym class? Who really wanted to be the last man standing where the other kids were secure in their place on the respective teams? Who really wants to be the last girl standing when its time to pick a dance partner?  Insecurities abound as a result of other people's choices.
I'm wondering why, as I made some of my bigger choices lately, I have worried so much about the impact.In hind sight I say -fuck it, it wasn't that important to begin with.  In the moment my anxiety wasn't worth the stress. But the tin man has a heart!!! And that is why. I take so much to heart and worry about the negative impact as opposed to worrying about what will in fact make me happy.
I have to worry about making me happy and talking to myself in a loving and kind voice and not the angry bear that bubbles up with frustration as a result if my own insecurities.

All we can do is keep breathing....

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds" Noah - The Notebook.

For a small time you brought a peace in my mind and a small fire in my heart, but no more....

I never thought I would be one of "those" girls that quotes something like "The Notebook" but its the thing that has hit home for the past 24 hours.  I thought I had that for a second with you. 36 hours ago I was not blissful but happy. 36 hours ago I was happy to be the person I am with you. So much so that I was ready to sing about it.  Honestly I never sing in front of anyone these days.  It's something that I only feel when I'm happy in my soul. I certainly don't feel comfortable enough to even attempt it in such intimate company. Happiness in my soul has been a hard concept to wrap my head around as of late.

I certainly had a moment in my head yesterday. I felt as though something was wrong but just chalked it up to me. Chalked it up to my own insecurities that I cant get out of my own head. I tried to think it over and decide whether it was just me.  But my gut was right. You don't want me.  You expect me to take care of you with very little reciprocation as far as communication, emotion or affection.

Love is a vulnerable horrific and scarey thing. To be in love is even worse.  To find out that the other person doesn't feel the same way is not the best moment of moments in a "relationship".  I have to say no one can ever break me the way I was once broken.  That's a fact that I know deep in my heart. What I expect is to be treated with respect and honesty.  I am not the gold digging, sneaky, undermining woman.  I am an honest and genuine person who wears their heart on their sleeve. I am a care taker by default. I want love and affection and praise just as much as I give it.  I want to be held and kissed and even succumb to a rare moment in which someone else takes care of me not because I need it but because they just wanted to make me feel special. I want someone to support my dreams and aspirations just as much as I would theirs.

What's the problem? Whats the expectation?  Where do we go from here?

The person I want doesn't make me feel desirable.  The person I want doesn't want to randomly hold my hand or rub the small of my back as I stand next to them or cup my face because they are happy to see it before they kiss me hello. Houston we have a problem. I am done with this one-sided bullshit!  Make a gesture that shows me I mean something to you! Obviously if you can't then we need to go in a completely different direction.

I am done fighting this fight.... I'm done feeling that I am not attractive because all you can do is make mention how every attractive woman is sexy and hot and whatever but you can never pay me a genuine compliment about anything instead of calling me "weird" because that's the only word you have in your very limited words of emotion. I refuse to beg someone to be with me. That is not love.  That is pathetic. That is demeaning. That will not be me.

I will focus on ME.  I will focus on making myself the best version I can.  I will work on my issues and in turn be a better person.  I will make goals and plan them out and I will succeed.  Someone will see that my sense of self and the compassion and drive I have in my heart will be worthy of the effort. You are no longer worthy of my tears... I will mend my own broken heart. I am capable of being all I need.

"But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now"

Oh ingrid.. you make the inner girl in me swoon....

You complete me... Well maybe not.... Maybe its me who completes me.  There is nothing better then waking up happy.  Happy to wake up exactly where I was, next to the person with me. Happy to be who I am.  Happy to feel like there is hope in my world. Happy to know that the choices and coincedences that have brought me to where I am are marvelous no matter what hiccups they presented.  And happy to know that where they take me will be my own  special journey in which the people near to me will be a uniquely fabulous cheering squad.

"Make each day your masterpiece" - Joshua Wooden, father of John Wooden

I am finally feeling there is a light a head. The days are a little longer. The ideas are starting to flow. I'm excited to see them come to fruition whatever they may be.