Life on the outside looks pretty damn good. Sitting from where I stand... I feel nothing but pressure. LOTS of pressure. It's almost debilitating at times. How do I wave the white flag and let the people around me know how much their expectations, and praise for that matter only add to the weight on my shoulders?
It's easy to be positive at times. It's easy to smile and put on the front that everything is FABULOUS. But on the inside I feel a growing heaviness. I feel a tension arise in my body. Fatigue and melancholy are becoming more and more the norm. I don't want to socialize. I don't feel a sense of worth. Anxiety keeps me up at night. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING. I don't feel very positive.
I am having a moment, or two or seven, eight, nine, ten.... But from the outside no one can really tell. Now how do I overcome all of this? I guess the normal, diet, sleep exercise balance works. Maybe even talking constructively with a few good sound boarding people. But who wants to hear me say - "I feel nothing about myself. I feel numb. I feel unworthy." It is not a cry for adoration or praise. It's honestly how I feel. I feel like the moment I let it out that I am in such a state, I have let my guard down and they can see how truly broken I am these days. I really am broken.
I miss being in love. I miss being happy with someone. I miss just being part of something other then alone. I miss the old me. My insecurities have gotten the best of me these days. I feel like the nerdiest dumb girl that no one in their right mind would want to date. I'm not glamorous or sexy or sophisticated. I'm awkward and silly at best. I dare not even mention how I feel about this mess of a body I deal with right now.
I want to feel alive! I want to know that the day that I have no matter how positive it may seem to others fulfills my heart and soul. I want to know that my days are filled with passion and drive to be the best version of me FOR me. I really need to be positive for myself....
It's easy to be positive at times. It's easy to smile and put on the front that everything is FABULOUS. But on the inside I feel a growing heaviness. I feel a tension arise in my body. Fatigue and melancholy are becoming more and more the norm. I don't want to socialize. I don't feel a sense of worth. Anxiety keeps me up at night. THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING. I don't feel very positive.
I am having a moment, or two or seven, eight, nine, ten.... But from the outside no one can really tell. Now how do I overcome all of this? I guess the normal, diet, sleep exercise balance works. Maybe even talking constructively with a few good sound boarding people. But who wants to hear me say - "I feel nothing about myself. I feel numb. I feel unworthy." It is not a cry for adoration or praise. It's honestly how I feel. I feel like the moment I let it out that I am in such a state, I have let my guard down and they can see how truly broken I am these days. I really am broken.
I miss being in love. I miss being happy with someone. I miss just being part of something other then alone. I miss the old me. My insecurities have gotten the best of me these days. I feel like the nerdiest dumb girl that no one in their right mind would want to date. I'm not glamorous or sexy or sophisticated. I'm awkward and silly at best. I dare not even mention how I feel about this mess of a body I deal with right now.
I want to feel alive! I want to know that the day that I have no matter how positive it may seem to others fulfills my heart and soul. I want to know that my days are filled with passion and drive to be the best version of me FOR me. I really need to be positive for myself....
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