You could be happy, I wont know.

The more time that passes by, the easier it is to see how damaging old behaviors were and the impact of my then life.  Time can heal old wounds but it can also enlighten ones self awareness.  Lately I feel old patterns creeping up.  I feel old emotions bubbling to the surface. None of which are really in a positive direction. I cant force the anger and bitterness down with food.  That's my first inclination.  But really what does tat do?  Nothing at all. It makes for some serious self loathing and criticism. I do not use a kinder gentler voice with myself when this happens.  Only the negative show up. It's awfully hard to live with myself in that moment. 

I think that we all go through life looking for some sense of approval. Whether it's something as simple as outward appearance, social acceptance, moral approval. When that approval is not felt in any ounce of my being, it's a horrible. I feel like I'm falling and things are all over the place.  I don't know where to focus.  I don't know how to start to pick up the pieces. I kind of feel lost and very alone.