For a small time you brought a peace in my mind and a small fire in my heart, but no more....
I never thought I would be one of "those" girls that quotes something like "The Notebook" but its the thing that has hit home for the past 24 hours. I thought I had that for a second with you. 36 hours ago I was not blissful but happy. 36 hours ago I was happy to be the person I am with you. So much so that I was ready to sing about it. Honestly I never sing in front of anyone these days. It's something that I only feel when I'm happy in my soul. I certainly don't feel comfortable enough to even attempt it in such intimate company. Happiness in my soul has been a hard concept to wrap my head around as of late.
I certainly had a moment in my head yesterday. I felt as though something was wrong but just chalked it up to me. Chalked it up to my own insecurities that I cant get out of my own head. I tried to think it over and decide whether it was just me. But my gut was right. You don't want me. You expect me to take care of you with very little reciprocation as far as communication, emotion or affection.
Love is a vulnerable horrific and scarey thing. To be in love is even worse. To find out that the other person doesn't feel the same way is not the best moment of moments in a "relationship". I have to say no one can ever break me the way I was once broken. That's a fact that I know deep in my heart. What I expect is to be treated with respect and honesty. I am not the gold digging, sneaky, undermining woman. I am an honest and genuine person who wears their heart on their sleeve. I am a care taker by default. I want love and affection and praise just as much as I give it. I want to be held and kissed and even succumb to a rare moment in which someone else takes care of me not because I need it but because they just wanted to make me feel special. I want someone to support my dreams and aspirations just as much as I would theirs.
What's the problem? Whats the expectation? Where do we go from here?
The person I want doesn't make me feel desirable. The person I want doesn't want to randomly hold my hand or rub the small of my back as I stand next to them or cup my face because they are happy to see it before they kiss me hello. Houston we have a problem. I am done with this one-sided bullshit! Make a gesture that shows me I mean something to you! Obviously if you can't then we need to go in a completely different direction.
I am done fighting this fight.... I'm done feeling that I am not attractive because all you can do is make mention how every attractive woman is sexy and hot and whatever but you can never pay me a genuine compliment about anything instead of calling me "weird" because that's the only word you have in your very limited words of emotion. I refuse to beg someone to be with me. That is not love. That is pathetic. That is demeaning. That will not be me.
I will focus on ME. I will focus on making myself the best version I can. I will work on my issues and in turn be a better person. I will make goals and plan them out and I will succeed. Someone will see that my sense of self and the compassion and drive I have in my heart will be worthy of the effort. You are no longer worthy of my tears... I will mend my own broken heart. I am capable of being all I need.
"But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now"
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