It's the most wonderful time of the year...

I have Christmas tunes stuck in my head.  I think they are worse then rom-coms.  They give you disillusions of being with that one special person who either realized that something is not right in their world and come to find that it's the fact that they don't have you, OR that the person you love is the most important person in the world who should love you to death but either doesn't or even worse, loves another.

Love is a hard thing to think about.  It's stressful and exhilarating all at once.  It can be the best high and the worst hangover all at once.  But the question we never think about is - do you love yourself?  I have to say I thought I knew the answer.  But it's hard to say definitively whether I truly know if I do. We as women wish for the moment at the end of Breakfast At Tiffany's in which we are in the rain screaming for that no name slob of a cat and the guy who takes care of everything is standing there right with you, watching that melt down and still trying to help you find that no name of a slob of a cat.

I regret the things that flow out of my mouth in anger and frustration but it all comes out of a place where my heart is broken time and time again.  Those who cant - teach.  Why did I say to him - "if the same thing happens over and over again then clearly there is a change you have to make in yourself, you have to change it yourself"  Well I guess I should take my own advice. 

I am in the process of figuring out my own self worth on many levels. It's a true learning experience. There are absolute blissfully amazing highs and there are dark and stormy lows.  Lows so great you feel swallowed up by grief. I grieve over the life I had and the friends who used to make me laugh.  I grieve over the old loves and the feeling of actually being in love.  I grieve over the wrong choices I have made.  And most of all I grieve over the fact that I dont see what others see in me.  And when I do it's a lonely place because I more often then not I am standing up for myself in a way that alienates me. It will be a challenge to ignite that spark in the mirror that everyone else sees  but if I don't step up to the plate, who else will??